By Darlene Powell Garlington, Ph.D.
Despite being in Afghanistan for more than a year, Lt. Cmdr. Jane Dawes (not her real name) wasn’t looking forward to the family Christmas gathering at her parent’s home. Prior to her deployment, her brother-in-law had threatened her sister, which led to a heated altercation. At the time, Dawes defused the argument and prevented it from escalating. However, she still felt angry and had thoughts of “giving him a dose of his own medicine,” particularly for his off-handed comments about women in the military. Her sister apologized for her husband and attempted to explain his behavior by disclosing his difficulties with drinking, feelings of insecurity and maintaining employment. It still upset her to think of seeing everyone again.
Sgt. John Porter (not his real name) also dreaded his family holiday gathering. Being in the company of his uncle was unbearable at times. Prior to enlisting, they were in business together and ran an automotive repair shop. During Porter’s deployment, his uncle had engaged in unscrupulous practices that led to the eventual bankruptcy of the business. His mother begged him to forgive his uncle but Porter continued to harbor feelings of resentment and anger. If it weren’t for his mother, he wouldn’t even attend the family gathering.
Unresolved family strife and resentment can cause stress during the holidays. Here are some things to consider that may help you cope with unresolved anger during the holidays and move toward forgiveness:
- Differences, disappointments and conflict are inevitable. Let’s face it, at some point in our lives we will make a mistake or get upset with someone we care about. Try to remember that we are all human and capable of imperfection. Sometimes we benefit by choosing to offer compassion and kindness, even to those who have done what may seem unforgivable.
- Living with resentment, anger and revenge is self-destructive. When you forgive and let go, it releases the feeling of control a person or situation has on you.
- Forgiveness takes time and happens in steps. When you embark on a journey of forgiveness, try to maintain positive thoughts and focus on healing. Forgiveness is more of a decision than a feeling. It is a conscious choice to stop negative thinking and to avoid focusing on bitterness and retaliation. Often, it may take time for the bad thoughts and feelings to go away, but dwelling in the past is self-defeating. Forgiveness may seem difficult, but it is essential for healing and spiritual growth.
- The other person doesn’t even need to know you are forgiving them. Forgiveness is more rewarding to you than it is for the person you forgive.
- You control your thoughts and emotions. Life happens without our permission and most often, the only things we can control are our thoughts, feelings and actions. Keeping a positive outlook and reframing conflict situations allow you to experience a sense of inner peace. If you respond negatively, you are really permitting another person to control your emotions.
If you find that you spend too much time trying to avoid negative feelings toward certain people, you may want to rethink your relationship.
If you find that you are someone in need of forgiveness and someone is unwilling to forgive you allow time for the relationship to heal and distance yourself from the situation. Remember, you have no control over other people’s behavior, but you do get to choose how you react toward their behavior. When seeking forgiveness don’t forget to forgive yourself and release any guilt that you may have about past mistakes. Free yourself to move forward with love and joy.
Darlene Powell Garlington, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified school psychologist and media psychologist and specializes in providing services to military members. She is a senior policy analyst at Altarum Institute, consulting with DCoE. She is the author of several books on a range of topics that include parenting, psychology and spirituality.
